Entry # 1

Dear Diary,

Well I'm finally home again and yet I'm not. Regardless, I'm glad to

be away from Gaunt. I thought I was going to lose my mind there at

the end of the timestream. Being a prisoner is not fun. Not as bad

as being Ahab's hound though. I still can't forgive myself for

helping kill my own friends. Especially Kurt...the fuzzy elf. I

could never tell "this" Kurt what I've done. He would never look at

me the same way again...how could he? The hell that was my original

timeline is in the past I know but the fact remains that I lived it

and bear the guilt for my actions even if I wasn't in control of

myself. That fact doesn't make me feel any better.

Sheesh, enough of that...sorry diary...these are my issues. I don't

mean to bore you with them.

I still don't want anyone to know that I'm back yet. I think it's

for the best. I need to really figure out who I am and find my

purpose. My sudden reappearance would cause too much complication in

the lives of my family and friends...at least right now. I know I

can trust Nathan to keep it a secret and for some reason I trust

Blaquesmith too. Irene I don't really know at all but if my brother

trusts her than that's good enough for me. She seems sincere

enough.

I must admit though that I really miss my friends. Especially Kitty

and Kurt. Blaquesmith tells me that he'll teach me a way to

communicate with them without revealing my return. I don't

understand how but he says that the other "me" taught him. I'm still

trying to process that mess. And how is it possible that I could

have any memories of my other self when I didn't live that life. The

only thing I can think of is that my other self and Blacky (my

nickname for him) had a strong psychic rapport and somehow my

presence has reconnected it. Maybe that's why I feel I can trust

him. It's wierd but we'll work it out I guess. Something similar

happened the first time I met Nathan too, otherwise known as Cable.

Thank goodness he heard me calling from the future. I couldn't ask

for a better brother. I still remember watching him in secret as a

little baby. He was so cute. Now he's older than me. Go figure.

Nobody can ever say my life is simple.

Speaking of "life"...what am I going to do with myself? I really

need to figure out my place in this world. I don't know if I should

go back to college or not. I know that Kitty is in one at Chicago.

It would be cool to be roommates. She needs her space though.

Well I'm off to go meditate now. All this Askani stuff that Blacky

and Nate are teaching me is starting to grow on me. It feels

natural. And I guess it should since I "sort of" created it. Til

next time dear diary.

Ray (no more Phoenix) Summers

Entry # 2

Dear Diary,

It's been a while huh? Well you wouldn't know since you get my messages in

sequence anyway.

I must say, the Askani meditations I am now using every day really help me

to focus and hone my powers even. I'm glad my other self came up with it!

I'll never get used to referring to my "other self" but alternate versions

of people here are not new to me. During what Kurt liked to call out "Cross

Time Caper" I saw many alternate versions of my friends. Never one of

myself however which always made me wonder. Not sure if that's a good or a

bad thing but it did make me feel unique.

I'm still keeping my return a secret but thanks to Blacky, I'm able to see

Kitty without her knowing it. I was really close to her. Both this Kitty

and Kate from my own time. You're probably wondering how I can talk to her

and still keep my return a secret huh? It's pretty cool actually but

requires a LOT of concentration. That's where all this Askani meditation

comes in handy. Takes a while to get used to levitating upside down in the

air but Blacky says it helps the blood flow to the brain and that is

important for a telepath or any kind of "psi" for that matter. So anyway,

I wait till I think she's probably sleeping (and she goes to bed late!) and

then I probe for her unique thought patterns. Once I get a lock on them I

simply visit her while she dreams. Since most people don't remember most of

their dreams it's no problem keeping my presence a secret but even if she

did remember, it was still a dream so she has no reason to expect that I'm

back. Pretty sneaky huh? I haven't tried it on Kurt yet though. I will

once I have the confidence that doing this more will bring.

There is one thing going on that is of concern to me right now. It's this

world's version of my Mom, Jean Grey-Summers. I can feel the Phoenix Force

in this era and she is reconnected to it. Or is it connected for the first

time for her? Whatever. I can't make any attempt at communication with the

Force however because Jean will know that I'm here immediately. It is

really strong in her. I'm not sure if I should be worried or not. Plus I'm

afraid she's going to sense me despite all my efforts to conceal myself. I

don't want to complicate anyone's life right now. I have to be very

careful.

Nate has gathered a team of mutants including Blaquesmith to fight off some

evil plan against mutants using mutants. I told him to contact me if he

really needs me but that whole business reminds me too much of being a hound

again. Nate understands. Blacky wishes I was there but I think he has a

thing for me. I like him a lot but God not like that. The three of us have

gone to the movies at my insistence a few times and he ALWAYS makes sure he

sits next to me. If his psi-shields weren't so strong, I'd probably just

take a peek in his head and see for myself but that's not going to happen.

I can practically hear the Professor yelling at me now, "It isn't right to

invade a mind without permission!" Maybe I'm wrong. Perhaps he's just

protective of me. He probably thinks he lost me once and doesn't want to

lose me again. At least he isn't as bad as Alistaire was. What a pain.

Some guys just can't take a hint.

You won't believe who's mind I came across the other day. Feron. Yes that

skinny pale skinned snot that claims he's supposed to "inherit" the Phoenix.

If he knew I didn't have the Phoenix anymore, he'd probably do a dance. It

seems like he has matured some but he's still an arrogant snob. If he even

thinks about bothering Jean I will so kick his butt from here to China.

Well Diary, I'm going to run out and grab something to eat. Will catch up

again real soon.

Entry # 3

Dear Diary,

I tried being sneaky last night and got caught but it was so funny!

Sometimes it's fun being bad.

What I did was try to visit Blacky is his dreams. I know, I know I'm bad

but I gotta know if he likes me the way I think he does or not! Anyway, I

tried appearing to him as his "Mother Askani" and he got all gushy inside.

It's hard to describe. Even as a telepath it can be hard to read people's

true feelings. There's always a possibility of misinterpretation. I've

learned that lesson the hard way but that's a story for another time.

So I present myself to him as his beloved idol and he immediately gets on

his knees, folds his hands like he's going to pray and says, "Oh Bright

Lady, I am so glad you are here! You will be out deliverer! The reign of

Apocalypse will soon be at an end!"

I was like...whoa. This dude doesn't so much love me as he almost worships

me. Or her rather.

Then I made my stupid mistake. I said, "Arise Blacky, we shall defeat him

together!"

Well I think when he heard me call him Blacky he got really ticked because

his eyes bugged out even more than usual (he's got some big eyes!) and he

stood up and said, "What is this? You are not the Bright Lady!"

At that point I made a quick exit out of his head. Man I hope he doesn't

remember the dream! If he does he will totally know that it was me and

he'll probably be really angry I bet. He usually gives me a psi-call at

least once a day to check how I am as does Nate even if it's just for a

minute but so far I haven't heard anything from him. What if he remembers?!

Oh God! I hope not. I don't think he could stay mad at me for too long

though. I am so bad! Hah hah.

Hey, I saw a really cute guy at the coffee shop today and I was almost going

to try to talk to him but when he looked at me, his thoughts were so loud

that I couldn't help hearing it and let's just say, it's stuff he wouldn't

repeat in front of his Momma. Why are men so perverted all the time!

My Scrapper, or Franklin Richards as you might know him in this time period

although a younger version, never looked at me like a piece of meat. Or not

that I know of anyway. His power made him hard to read most of the time

unless he purposely let me into his mind. I miss him so much. Even after

all this time. I still have nightmares sometimes of that damn Sentinal

killing my true love as I stood right there powerless to stop it. I was

numb for weeks after that.

The Franklin that supposedly came back in time to find me I don't even

acknowledge as my own Scrapper. It had to be an alternate version of him.

I saw my own man die right in front of me. It was hard but I learned to

accept his death and deal with it. Like I said before, I will always miss

him. I don't think I will find anyone on this world that could come close

to him. He was my one and only.

In case you're wondering what actually did happen with that boy in the

coffee shop, he had the nerve to come up to me and start talking like he was

interested in intelligent conversation. Please. You won't believe what I

said to him. Ready? I said, "Take a hike pig!" He looked at me like I had

2 heads and then just left. It's fun being me. LOL. After everything I've

been through in my life, I ain't taking crap from anyone. Life is too

short.

Oh crap, I just remembered I gotta pay the landlord today. He has a fit if

that money isn't in his hands the minute I open the door. Thank goodness

for baby brothers with money. I tried to tell Nate I should get a job but

he's like no, "You need to spend time focusing on developing your powers.

You aren't Phoenix anymore and you need to be ready for anything." That's

Nathan for you. Always ready for the next battle. Still it's pretty cool

buying pretty much anything I want. He gives me A LOT of money. I'm not

complaining. And he makes sure I keep up with my "studies." There's no

way to lie to him either. Damn psi-link.

I don't even know what I would do for work anyway. I could never be a

bartender like Kitty is. It's bad enough hearing all the garbage I do from

sober people. Can you imagine from drunks? No way. If I have to be around

a crowd like that then I want to be partying, not working.

That's it till next time Diary.

Entry # 4

Dear Diary,

Well I blame Kitty for this. It's got be. All those times hanging out in

the dreamscape with her is affecting me. That's got to be it.

What am I talking about you ask? My computer! I'm actually having fun with

this darn thing! Who would have thought? Sure I used it for email purposes

sometimes but now I find myself on it for several hours at a time. Who knew

it could be so addicting?

At first I used it a little because Nate wanted me to familiarize myself

with his database of who's who in the world right now. The man has info on

just about everybody in any position of power. And of course on mutants

worldwide as well. Blacky must really be an expert hacker. He and Kitty

would probably get along great. Even though I felt like looking through all

this stuff was a chore, I do admit it was good for me. Knowledge is power

right?

Anyway, the internet is amazingly full of info on just about everything

imaginable. What do you want to know? Just go to Google and you're bound

to find lots of pages on whatever the subject. It's like a universal

library.

I saw some personal pages made by mutants too. Most were kind of cheezy

looking but there were a few good ones. Some were even brave enough to put

their own pictures on them. It's stupid that we have to live in fear of

prejudiced non-mutants but until the world changes its attitudes I guess

this is what we have to deal with. Of course I also ran across some anti

mutant pages too. I know we have freedom of speech in America but sometimes

I wish I had freedom of putting someone's lights out too. Ignorant idiots

is what these jerks are. They claim that we think of ourselves as superior

but yet it is they themselves that think that way. Most mutants I've met in

my lifetime just want to live a normal life like everybody else. It's not

too much to ask. I know that I may not have seen things eye to eye with

Professor X in the past sometimes but he is right in that we should be able

to live among each other peacefully. Isn't that what being "civilized" is

all about?

There are so many frightened young mutants out there. I know because I feel

them sometimes when I do the Askani meditations. I just want to pick them

all up, give them a hug and tell them that yes they are normal, not freaks.

I really feel for young people like that. My childhood was stripped from me

so I guess I'd like to prevent it from happening to anyone else. I'm not

thinking of starting a school like the Professor though. What a school that

would be! LOL. No, I'm thinking more like having some kind of place, a

safe place, where these teenage mutants can go and just talk about what they

are going through. That way they wouldn't feel so alone. If anyone knows

what it's like to feel alone it's me. I'm the only person in this timeline

from my own world. Everyone I ever knew is not here or...at least not

exactly. They're alternate versions of my friends but they're not the same.

Of course I've gotten as close to people in this world as I have in my own,

closer even but still. It's not the same. I'm not the same. I'm a

foreigner here. I'm almost as old as my own mother in this timeline. It's

crazy but this is my reality and I owe it all to good old Kate and the

Phoenix Force. If it wasn't for them, I'd be dead right now. I should be

grateful. I can almost hear Kitty saying, "You have survivor's guilt like

the people that came out of the Holocaust." She's probably right I guess.

Well I'm off now to go see the new Matrix movie with a friend. I heard

mixed reviews about it but I saw the video of the first one and thought it

was great so it's got to be just as good I'm hoping. Until next time.

Entry # 5

Dear Diary,

Lots to talk about today. Where do I begin?

Well first off Blaquesmith kind of ticked me off today. I think he's still

mad at me for invading his dream that night. He has a bit of an attitude

now when we have our psi-talks. He told me to stop seeing Kitty in her

dreams and I was like "Who are you to tell me when I can talk to my

friends?" and he...well...he yelled at me. I didn't expect that. I guess

the adoration he felt for me is wearing off now that he realizes I'm really

not the Rachel he knew in that other future. I know, I know...you're

thinking I had it coming and you're probably right but it just took me by

surprise is all. I guess what they say is true. If you want to play you

gotta pay. He did have a good reason though for telling me to stop my

visits and it makes sense to me. He said that if I keep appearing in her

subconscious over and over that it would spill over in her conscious mind

eventually and she might realize that it's really me talking to her and not

just a figment of her imagination. I did apologize for snapping at him and

he did the same for me so I guess we're cool now. I just look at him

differently now. I guess the feeling is mutual.

Enough about Blacky. Nate and I had a really long talk about our crazy

pasts. Mostly about mine actually. I hate to talk about it or even admit

the horrible things I did for that murderous slave master Ahab. I hope I

never run into a version of him here because I just don't know what I'd do.

I was his favorite and best tracker of what he called "mutant scum."

Bastard. I hate him. I should have finished him off when I went back to my

timeline again. I guess that would make me no better than him though. God,

I can't believe how many deaths I helped him accomplish. I have to stop now

because I'm starting to cry. Hold on...

Ok, I'm back. I try not to think about all the friends I turned over to

that monster because when I do, I just get too upset like I am now. I still

remember pointing out Nightcrawler, my fuzzy elf I used to call him as a

child, to the Soldiers and inside a part of me screaming, "Stop! Don't!

You can't let them kill Kurt! He's like an uncle to you!" But I couldn't

stop. I was so drugged up and brainwashed that I was just a numb unfeeling

rock inside. But now...when I think about it...

Moving on. Nate told me that every ability we have no matter how we got it

is a strength in the war for mutant equal rights. I knew where he was going

with this. He wants me to work on tracking mutants again. I started to

protest and he started talking in his Rambo, cold-hearted soldier attitude.

"Put the past behind you," "The greater good" and all that military

sounding lingo. Maybe it's easy for him but not for me. I can't just

pretend the past didn't happen. I can't forget that I saw my Scrapper

killed right before my eyes and I was too frozen to do anything to save him.

The past continually haunts me...I can't escape it. To that he says that

the meditation will help calm my spirit. I don't care if I meditate into a

damn statue. I know what I did and will spend the rest of my life trying to

make up for it. I know I never can but what else can I do?

So he wants me to practice tracking again. He even told me he'd send one of

his former X-Force guys over to help me. A Morlock, named Caliban. I don't

need any damn help, I just don't want to do it period. It reminds me too

much of what I did and how many got killed because of me. If this dude

shows up on my doorstep I am going to have a fit. Knowing Nathan, he's

probably going to have him here within hours. He doesn't believe in wasting

precious time. I don't know if I can do this again. It just hurts too

much. I don't think Nate will let me out of it though. I liked it better

when I was the older one. Now he's like my big overseeing protector. Like

I need protecting. What a joke. I guess since I always made sure he was ok

as a baby, he's just returning the favor. Ah the paradoxes of time

travelers.

There is a kid in my apartment building that just discovered he's a mutant.

I can't help but feel his confusion. I try to keep up a strong psi-shield

at all times but when I'm relaxing at home, his thoughts are so strong that

they slip through. Maybe his power will be some form of telepathy. I don't

know but I'm going to see if I can meet him in person and help him. I don't

want to freak him out but I gotta do something. He's really sad and

confused. I think maybe his Dad is...........

Hold on! I think someone just snuck into my apartment! I can't get a good

scan on him. Got to go!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Entry # 6

Dear Diary,

Sorry for that abrupt ending last time. Everything is cool now. It turns

out that the intruder into my apartment was Caliban. He actually knocked my

door down if you can believe it. Not intentionally though. Since

Apocalypse gave him a power boost he doesn't know his own strength. He said

he was leaning up against the door resting because Cable told him to come as

fast as he could and he's so bulky now that the door just fell straight

through to the floor with him falling with it. Actually I had to restrain

myself from laughing because I knew right away it was him and that his mind

is so child-like. I have to get the door replaced immediately before the

landlord has a fit. I telekinetically put it back in place as best as I

could but there is obvious damage that even I couldn't fix. With the

Phoenix Force I could have made it like new but not now.

I can't help but wonder if Nathan was lurking around and made the door fall

on purpose so that I wouldn't go into "get outta my face" mode like I

probably would have. I may never know and he sure wouldn't admit it.

Caliban was so apologetic. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry" he kept

saying. His innocence is so cute. Hard to believe he was a Horseman of

Apocalypse.

After he calmed down and I had him sit in the strongest piece of furniture I

have which is a reclining beige love seat, I offered him a drink and he

asked if I had iced tea which I did and proceeded to pour him a glass. He

said it was easy to find me because Nathan and I are supposedly similar

somehow. I guess it's because we are family (sort of) I assume.

I was very honest with him and told him that I was very angry that Cable had

sent him down against my wishes. He took that as personal rejection against

him but I reassured him that that was not my intention. He said ok but I

think he's still a little offended. He's not so easy to read

telepathically. Apocalypse really did a number on him. But no matter what

conditioning he went through, his core personality is still there. I have

more in common with him than I thought.

I asked him where he was staying and he said the sewers! Yuk! I know he

was a Morlock but come on! I insisted he sleep on my sofa-bed. (After he

showers of course - he needs some lessons in personal hygiene.) He

protested at first but then gave in. I'm not sure how long Nathan told him

to hang out with me but I guess he can stay awhile. He seems harmless

enough. Plus I have a feeling that as much as he thinks he's here to help

me, I'm going to end up helping him just as much. And here I was getting

ready to have a big attitude toward him. I'm such a softy sometimes. :-)

I ran and got a movie and ordered pizza. No work for us today. I think he

liked the idea. He was as happy as a kid on his birthday. You should see

this boy eat! Good thing I ordered extra. I had a feeling he could chomp

through one pizza in a flash so I ordered 3 large pizzas with the works. I

was going to have some but when I saw how he was going through it so fast I

just decided to make popcorn for myself. Of course he had some of that too

but only a little because I think he finally realized what a pig he was

making out of himself. At the end of the movie he cried (it was a bit

emotional) and I think he was embarrassed. How can you not like this guy?

He's like a little brother. Hmmm, I wonder if Nate will be jealous? Hah

hah.

Well I'm going to sleep now. Cal is all showered and tucked in. We'll see

what happens tomorrow.

Entry # 7

Dear Diary,

This morning I wake up to hear Caliban talking to Cable out loud in the

morning. For a second I thought Nate was actually here but then realized

that it was a telepathic conversation. Cal just HAS to talk out loud. He's

so cute. I mean his personality. Now if I can get him to stop referring to

himself in 3rd person.

He is very apprehensive about psi-probes...he's very sensitive and can feel

it instantly. I was just bearly touching the surface of his mind and was

going to telepathically ask him what he wanted and he starts screaming,

"Rachel! Is that you?!" I was like, holy crap he's gonna wake up the

neighbors. I walked into the living room where he was and told him what I

was going to say telepathically in the first place. I asked him why he got

so excited and he said that he was nervous because he wasn't sure who it was

talking in his head. He's been through a lot of psychic trauma the poor

guy.

Oh before I forget, Blacky decided to get me back last night. He visited a

dream of mine...I'm sure of it. At first I didn't know it was him. He came

to my door with a camera crew like you see on those TV commercials of the

Publishers Clearing House saying that I just won a million dollars. I

remember squealing with joy that I actually won something when he took off

the sunglasses he had on and I recognized the man to be Blaquesmith. The

shock of the realization woke me up right away because I've been

anticipating him pulling something like this. I'm going to talk to him a

little later but not say a word about it. I want to see if he 'fesses up.

I went to the Mall to get Cal some big clothes so that he could "blend in"

without people screaming, "Ahhhh! Mutie freak!!!" He said that Callisto

taught him that he shouldn't have to do that but I explained how I hid my

facial scars for so many years with my telepathy and he seemed more at ease

after that.

We chose a few people in the morning to see if we could track them down

later in the afternoon. He said he could track anybody whereas I had only

tracked mutants...he's going try to "teach" me to find anyone he said. I

gotta admit, the boy has skills. I know I should call him a man but his

mind is so child-like that I can't help thinking of him as a little boy. He

left me establish a link between us when we were outside and he got used to

it after a while. He said that Nate did it sometimes with him too but it

felt different. I don't know why other than to guess that he's so sensitive

to anyone touching his mind that he can easily distinguish the differences.

Maybe that's part of how he tracks? He couldn't really explain it much. He

said that he just focuses in on someone and it comes naturally to him.

Even with the link, it was hard for me to perceive how he does it.

We both chose 2 people each and he found the both pretty quickly while I

found only one and it turns out he was a mutant. No surprise there. I was

trained to do that. Maybe somehow if I can figure out how Caliban can find

people so fast I will develop a similar technique. We'll see.

I brought him to see a movie later but never again. He would not shut up!

He kept asking me questions and I could not enjoy the movie. I even asked

him to talk with me through our psychic link but he kept forgetting and

talked out loud anyway. He's got a lot to learn about living in society.

Good thing I've developed some patience.

Entry # 8

Dear Diary,

Remember that kid I was telling you about in my apartment building? The one

that I said must have just found out he's a mutant? Well I met him today.

His name is Timothy. Nice kid. I didn't tell him yet that I'm a mutant too

though. I want to develop a relationship with him first before I drop that

bombshell because I think he grew up with prejudiced parents. Man, wait

till they find out their son is a mutie. I really want to help him. His

power seems to be psionic in nature as far as I can tell. His emotions

overflow into other people's minds. If he's angry, everyone around his

becomes angry and the same if he's happy, excited, etc. Only my psi-shields

blocked his power from working on me. He's so very confused. I know how he

feels. I want to just tell him that we are the same but I have to make sure

he's ready first. I almost feel like the Professor making first contact.

:-)

Cal and I hit the streets again today. He's really good. I hate to admit

it but he's much better at me as far as tracking...at least for normal

humans anyway. I'm getting better though. I'm not feeling as bad about

doing it as I thought I would thank goodness. I think it's because I'm with

Caliban. His innocence just does something that soothes me somehow. It's

hard to explain. Also, I tried a new thing with him today. With our

psi-link active I gently touched all the minds in the apartment building but

not enough that they could sense me at all. Cal's eyes widened and he said,

"Whoa." That made me laugh so hard that I broke the links and just sat on

the floor cracking up. He says, "That was very cool Rachel. Can we do it

again please?" I swear, it's like I'm talking to a little kid. He's so

adorable that way. So after I composed myself I did it again and he started

to point out how many of these people he had seen today. I was like, "You

remember all these people? You're sure they're the same ones?" and he told

me that he had no doubts. I really underestimate him sometimes. He went

out for a walk just now.

Blacky talked to me a little while ago and he seemed like he was in a much

better mood than he has been of late so I KNOW that was him in that stupid

dream. Nate was talking at the same time so I didn't bring it up though.

They were just checking up on Cal and I. It was very short and sweet. They

must be busy.

Well, that's it for now. Nothing too exciting this time, sorry. I'll try

to stir up some trouble tomorrow to write about. Hah hah hah.